Disciplining Toddlers

Toddler discipline is an art. You have to be compassionate, play according to their moods and yet bring them to the standards of socially acceptable behaviors. You need your toddlers to eat, play, rest and be happy to grow and learn according to their developmental levels. Typical toddler challenges and how to deal with them are outlined below:

Biting, hitting, and scratching:

These are serious issues that have to be disciplined immediately. The child that did the act has to be removed from the area with a stern: NO biting and made sure to have them sit – based on their age, typically 15-17 months. Attend to the child that got hurt and administer first aid. Give lots of hugs and console the child simultaneously. When the child has calmed down, bring back the biter and talk to them and tell them it’s not okay to bite and it hurts. Tell them they can only use their lips on their friends (if age appropriate) and nice touches. Have them practice nice touches and tell them they can only eat foods and bite apples, etc. After this incident, do watch the biter closely. Most of the time, it will be out of frustration that they bite – help them sort through their emotions and play.

Throwing toys/whatever is in their hand:

When a child is throwing toys, stones, bins or other things, provide them with a ball and tell them they can throw a ball and not other things. Practice this may times and redirect them. They will understand pretty soon. Sometimes, they will resort to throwing toys repeatedly for attention or to test you – redirect them with a warning that will be asked to sit-down and maybe suggest they take a break from playing. Remember to keep your cool because they will test you to see if you will follow through with your warning. At that time, do not escalate your voice, simply walk them over to an area away from they have been and have them sit down. This should last 5-30 seconds based on their mood and even the child. Ask them if they are ready to listen and only throw balls and not toys. They will usually agree right away and join back in play. Next time, try to catch them before they throw a toy and just warn, “Be careful, don’t throw the toy, you don’t want to hurt your friends, throw only a ball. If you can’t listen, I need you to sit down.”

Climbing furniture, shouting, being rude and loud:

When children first start experimenting with these, they are just trying out their ideas and voices and strengths. There should a lot of redirection, talking, instructions on appropriate behavior. Praise them when they sit down at the table or use their soft voices or are nice to their friends or teachers. Recognize their efforts and give a lot of positive reinforcement. Once they start testing or repetitively performing the act to get attention of teachers or friends or trying to disrupt the class dynamics, do remove them from the area and take them to a different area and talk to them. Tell them that if they continue their behavior, they will be asked to sit down there. Ask them if they are ready to join in and let them join in and watch them closely and if they test you; do proceed to give them a sit-down.

Tantrums:

Recently I had a group of children building with legos. Another child walked into the group and tried to reach for a bin behind the teacher on the shelf. The teacher working with the group said that it was almost time for moms and dads to come and hence we were not going to get another bin out and suggested that since there were legos out, he join them and build. The child fell on the floor and threw himself right on the towers being built by the other children and started his tantrum. The other children were upset and started to cry, push him off. I stepped in, removed the child that was throwing the tantrum and walked him to another area and told him that we were playing with legos or he could play ball or read books with me (and other bins were closed) – when he was done. He stopped within a few seconds and walked to the area where his friends were building with legos and started building. I praised him for making good choices and playing without crying.

The above may have to be repeated a few times before some children catch on it. Sit-downs are not a punishment but a way to let them re-group their thoughts and next course of action. Always use calm, conversational tone unless they have hurt somebody, hurting somebody or going to hurt somebody. Remember that we are not scaring the child into behaving properly; we are just trying to teach them appropriate and acceptable social behavior.

Manipulative Crying:

Infants as young as 4 months are capable of manipulating adults J There are children who will figure that they can get what they want by crying pathetically or loudly. They see that the heart of parent or teacher is just ready to break into a 1000 pieces when they cry and they will use this every time. I can promise you that this will only escalate as they get older. I can also tell you that if this continues, you may actually help in creating a ‘cry baby’ for life. Please step back, realize when they are manipulating you. Give them and you a few moments before you react. When they are calm, do talk to them about using their words when they need help and you are proud of them when they do.

Recently, a dad asked me if as teachers, we played good cop, bad cop. I explained that we never do. We just cant! We all give sit-downs when needed and when all else has failed. I always advise parents not to intervene when the other parent is disciplining. Talk about the technique and modify later on when the child is not around and the incident has passed. When a parent/teacher is disciplining a child and the other adult is all sad and cajoling the child, you are basically creating a child’s behavior that neither one will be able to handle. One other tip: Never use the other parent as a threat , example, “Do you want me to tell your dad what you are doing?” This will create a sense of fear against the other parent and the child will also sense that he can get away with anything with you.

Remember that sometimes children are in a sad mood, they may be getting over an illness or may be tired or dealing with a change in their lives. Handle them gently during this time. Lots of hugs, talking, re-direction will help. Sit downs may be put off for some time as this might be an uphill battle for both you and the child.

In conclusion, shower them with love, hugs, lots of talking about behavior, lots of positive reinforcements and praise but do take time when you need to teach your child the right way to behave. Early years in a child’s life really define the way they are as adults and everything we do in their lives will determine what kind of an adult they will be.